someone told me years ago when i packed my new york life into a sunny suv and stretched my heart across the country to test out Colorado that the desire to move and start a new life didn’t necessarily mean your true desire was to change locations, but that you wanted to change something about yourself. i think about that sometimes, uncertain as to whether or not it applied to me, or if i even put enough thought into my decision to understand exactly what i wanted to change. was i hoping to find a different version of myself somewhere amidst the mountains and cleaner air, thinking that possibly a new girl would emerge, leaving behind the flaws i’d carried with me from the east coast? was i trying to re-write myself a new existence, a new start, in an attempt to show the world that i could meet her head-on and not cower down to the reality that i had too many fears to face without the comfort of traversed streets and a home-life familiarity to tuck me in at night?

i heard some of this in ryan’s voice tonight as he called me from Colorado; some of the un-planned for nostalgia for what he had so recently rejected as trite and sought desperately to leave behind in an attempt to chase the wind and build a new castle of gales and gusts. i remembered my own immediate post-move realization that life is life no matter where you are, and once you strip yourself of all you worked so hard to build and cherish, you suddenly are overwhelmed with painful gratitude for things you realize you so easily took for granted…and it’s really all you know you ever will want again.

maybe ryan’s move will affect me, too; maybe it already has. perhaps i am re-evaluating the life i currently lead and calling it good, very good – better than good, verging on spectacular. perhaps i have everything i need right here and always have, and it took my brother’s painful good-bye to make me realize that all i need to do is make the most of every chance i have while God still keeps me in new york. and really…it’s not such a bad place to be, after all.

this weekend, i had so much to be thankful for, from dance lessons that have become my latest obsession to a wonderful salsa social to benefit Haiti that was beautifully done and marked another night spent with genuine people who really care about each other, to the comfort of real conversations with true friends and quiet hours spent lying around my parents’ house and baking cookies with my mom. i am guilty of living for grandiose dreams of “one days” and “should bes” where i traipse through bubbly nights with glitter in my heels and stars shooting down around me, but the unreality of these fantasies rob me of the ability to remain present and thankful in the every day glories of my little life.

when i was three, the highlight of my day was curling up in my dad’s lap and having him read me “The Cat in the Hat” five times in a row. this is what i want to recapture, the childlike awe of discovering Magic in the touch of someone’s hand on a quiet night in or the warmth of my family’s effervescent laughter as we play cards around the dining room table.

these little details are the pulse to my life, and i want to build myself a kingdom from the throb of a thousand tiny loves.

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