i will not write a catalog of all i did in oh-nine that left me a little more jaded or a little wider-eyed; a little more in love with the world or a little more subdued by the inevitability of growing up. i will not, because those memories are mine, and some i’ll never be less ready to share. i will not, because you don’t need to read my life in reverse, a counter-chronological relation of one girl’s shot at 27-into-28 and all the spectacular-or-maybe-not-so-amazing-at-all details of a life that may not look so exciting from another’s pair of eyes.
and sometimes, perhaps i’m not so exciting.
other times, i feel i could light the sky on fire.

but there are things 2009 brought me that i didn’t have before this year and i want to remember them, deem them worthy of marking another season before i’ve stumbled into 30 and forgotten how to will my way through locked doors. in your 20s, it’s easy to believe in Magic, the way it encircles your wrist like another’s measuring fingertips and settles into the rubber of your shoes when you’re sleeping soundly and never saw its stealthy shadows settle into your closet. i might subconsciously invite a little pizazz into my dreams, but i beg and plead for it to encircle me when i’m awake. i want the sort of Magic that burns like love in the glare of day, threatening to blacken out the blues of my eyes with the tiniest taste.

  • i remembered poetry, words i never knew i’d been harboring suddenly spewing out and refusing the captivity of my mind any longer. i learned i’ve more to give, if only i believe in myself the way words wish i would. i saw the inside of my veins spelled out in fresh ink on a glossy page and realized there was a whole new way of breathing that i’d never known how to try.
  • i stumbled into a fantasy world born of a cherished childhood book and found parts of my latent soul resting quietly in the poignant beauty of raw emotion, swept out of myself and into the world of pulsing humanity much more complex than a love of words and glances. a little boy donned an inscrutable outfit and climbed inside my head, drawing shapes and colors on the decoupaged walls of my mind and reminding me that life is more than what i’ve left to say. i want to do with words what the movie did with art — touch the heart of all that’s true in shades of gray and swirl my pen between the lines until my tears display both joy and pain, sorrow and beauty, with every falling splash.
  • i found a friendship with my brother that surpasses anything we’ve toyed with before, truly understanding what it means to have your closest kin become your forever friend. i learned him anew, as a person separate from myself with a world of his own, and i said good-bye to him so suddenly i felt the ground fall violently beneath my feet. i’m growing accustomed to bruises these days, and some i fear will never fade. thankfully, these purple hues suit me surprisingly well.
  • i realized things about love: how i’ve only known it in certain forms, without the fullness of a spectrum; how i’ve laced my version of it with barbed wire edges and conditioned myself into the safety of an arm’s length waltz. how i long to write it into existence, but fear to have to believe in the silences between my words. how i sometimes miss people for the wrong reasons, and leave others for no reasons at all. how i just might never get it right, or spend enough time thinking about what i could do differently. how some things are just so hard to learn.
  • i said one of my life goals was to learn to dance salsa, and i have, and am still, putting this goal into action. this is a huge milestone for me, proving to myself that i am capable of setting my mind upon a coveted task and tackling it with all the energy and enthusiasm a girl can possess. and for those of you who have stood by and watched me fall victim to this tunnel vision, i’m sorry if this obsession has overcome me to the point of neglecting other people/things in my life. i love you all…and i love my life as a dancer.
  • i found that God is God no matter who or where i am, and often He answers prayers when we aren’t conscious that He’s doing so. if i don’t pray for things specifically, how will i know if He’s answering them? yet i’m realizing lately that He’s answered even some of my vague prayers quietly, gradually, and i have been too busy sailing through the whirlwind of my late-20s to properly appreciate all that i’ve been given. blessed ❤
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